


But the Beast Defeated Him

by Ellidfics



Series: Captain Fraudulent:  The Outtakes [10]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Barbecue, Gen, Howard Stark's A+ get out of jail free card, Lobsters, Militarized Police, no kale for once!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-17
Updated: 2017-10-17
Packaged: 2019-01-18 15:26:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,081
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12390882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ellidfics/pseuds/Ellidfics
Summary: Thor attempts to introduce New York to the wonderful custom of spit-roasted ox, only to learn that he needs a permit for that.  Then there's the lobster....





	But the Beast Defeated Him

Transcript of telephone call received by Sharon Carter, date redacted:

(sound of phone ringing)

Sharon Carter: Agent 13, go.

Steve Rogers: Sharon? Is this a bad time?

(sound of banging and screaming in the background)

SC: It's after midnight so – Steve? Where are you?

SR: The 17th Precinct, over on 51st. They're letting me make a phone call - 

SC: Wait, they arrested you? _You?_

SR: Not exactly. I'm calling because Thor doesn't understand why he's in jail and Tony mouthed off to a cop so they confiscated his phone.

SC: I – Steve. Start at the beginning.

SR: Well. You know how Thor's been boasting about how none of us Midgardians know how to cook?

SC: I think Natasha said something about that – something about we can't spice a bilge - 

(pause)

Oh my God. Please tell me he didn't import a bilgesnipe. After the giant crocodile in the sewers - 

SR: Crocodile? I thought that was an alligator.

SC: Definitely a crocodile. Where did Thor get it, anyway? May almost got her head bit off and - 

SR: I thought that was the crazy grad student from Columbia. Thor says they don't have crocodiles on Asgard. 

Anyway, it's not a bilgesnipe. It's an ox.

SC: Ox?

SR: Ox. You know, one of those big things they use for plowing and - 

SC: Steve. I know what an ox is. What was Thor doing with one? I thought Coulson told him not to buy any animals after that thing with the goats on Easter.

SR: Roasting.

(five second pause)

SC: Roasting? Roasting what?

SR: The ox.

(ten second pause)

SC: _Thor was roasting an ox?_ A _whole_ one? I've seen Stark's kitchen, it's nowhere big enough - 

SR: That's the problem. He didn't use the kitchen. 

SC: He didn't – wait, wait, back up. Where did he get an ox?

SR: A farm up near New Paltz that raises grass-fed beef and was willing to sell him one butchered and ready to go. I'm not sure how he paid for it since they supposedly don't take credit cards and all he has is one of the Avengers' black Amexes, but he did.

SC: Oookay. He got an ox.

SR: Yeah.

SC: And he's proposing to cook this - 

SR: (heavy sigh) On the sidewalk in front of the Tower, on the Grand Central side. Blasted out a space, set up a spit, and started cooking. 

SC: On the _sidewalk?_

SR: He stacked some deadwood he found in Central Park and lit it on fire with a lightning bolt. Scared the bejesus out of a couple of security guards, let me tell you.

SC: Steve - 

SR: Then he brought out the special Asgardian basting sauce that he said was made with mead from Iduna's apples, whatever those are, and - 

SC: And that's when the police arrived?

SR: Well. Yes and no. 

SC: (groans) Do I really want to know – cancel that. Yes. Go ahead. 

SR: The security guards were fine once they figured out it wasn't a bomb. They're used to the stuff we do, so as long as there's no goats involved they could care less. It was the SWAT team showing up with a battering ram and a couple battle taxis that really sent things over the edge.

SC: A battering ram? APC's? What?

SR: I guess it's military surplus and someone's itchin' to use it. I tried to tell their lieutenant things were under control but he said something about health regulations and permits and public safety and threatened to cuff me - 

SC: He _what_?

SR: And then Tony showed up and started his usual “it's all right, just call the Mayor, I'm the property owner” spiel - 

SC: I'm not sure I want to know.

SR: - and the cop tells him he doesn't own the sidewalk and cuffs _him_. He starts yelling for JARVIS, only he's just outside the Tower's wifi range so nothing happens. Then this lobster attacks Thor - 

SC: Lobster? Wait, I thought Thor was roasting an ox. Where did the lobster come from?

SR: Fulton Fish Market. Someone told Thor about clambakes and he decided to try that, too, at least until this lobster as long as my arm went for him.

SC: Went for him?

SR: Hang on, I'll send you a picture. You gotta see this for yourself.

SC: That's - 

(chiming sound of incoming text)

My God, it's hanging off his nose!

SR: Yep. 

(pause)

About a dozen people were taking pictures by then, including that stringer for the Bugle. I expect it'll be on the front page tomorrow.

SC: It's probably on their website _now._

(sound of clicking)

Yep, there it is, right on the front page. They're calling it “EARTH'S MIGHTIEST COOKS.”

SR: (sighs) That's not nearly as bad as it could have been. Jameson's got a bee in his bonnet about superheroes, period, not just Spider-Man. What about the comments?

SC: Let's see...lots of LOL's, someone making a comment about your butt - 

SR: Again? 

SC: - and someone else is saying Stark needs to open a restaurant.

SR: Don't give him ideas. The molecular gastronomy thing he did was so bad Pepper nearly dumped him, something about foaming a pastrami sandwich? 

SC: Oh, this is a good one. The Fish Liberation Sustainability Collective just offered to adopt the lobster.

SR: Fish Liberation? What the hell is that?

(shout from the background that sounds like Tony Stark insisting he “paid good money for Monstro, I want a lobster roll from him”)

Tony, I told you, the lobster's going to the aquarium! No one's eating it!

TS: We could have lobster for a week - 

Male voice: Mr. Stark, we're going to have to ask you to come along now. The holding cell is that way - 

TS: Do you know who I am? I can buy _all_ the tickets to the Policeman's Ball. Just take off these cuffs and - 

Male voice: (sighs) Mr. Stark. That trick didn't work when your father tried it with my father - 

TS: Your dad arrested my dad? Seriously? 

Male voice: - so please don't. You're allowed one phone call, and - 

TS: It's a small, small world, even if that song bites. Now, about my lobster? 

Male voice: Sir, Officer Lucas took custody of the crustacean for transport to Brooklyn. Please step aside.

(unintelligible shouting and banging)

SR: Do you know a good bail bondsman? Tony left his wallet in the workshop and Thor doesn't have a bank account. 

SC: Noooo. But Hill does. I'll call her.

SR: Thanks.


End file.
